Do you feel comfortable with people, or do you find it hard to trust others and risk being vulnerable? Do you tend to avoid relationships, or fear they will end someday? Do you tend to pick partners who are unfaithful, unreliable, or unkind - because that’s what makes you feel secure? Do you find it hard to let go of ex-partners and remain friends with them instead? If these questions seem like a strange test from a dating site, that’s probably because they aren’t about dating. Instead, they have much more to do with the attachment style you have towards other people. An attachment style is how we respond when another person behaves in a way that suggests they might not be around forever; whether they are going away on holiday tomorrow or might one day leave us for good.

What is an attachment style?

We all want to be loved and accepted by others, but at the same time, we are programmed to protect ourselves from getting too close, because getting too attached can make us too vulnerable in times of crisis. An attachment style is a pattern of responding to these dilemmas, often established in childhood by how our caregivers responded to us. This includes our parents or guardians, but also other significant people we were close to, such as siblings or grandparents. An attachment style is therefore a reflection of how we learned to deal with feeling vulnerable and needing help as a child.

Secure Attachment

When things go wrong, secure people tend to be relaxed and are unlikely to feel suddenly desperate when their partner is delayed by a traffic jam, or has to travel to a conference. They accept that things go wrong sometimes, and are less likely to take the other person’s absence as a personal slight. As adults, they tend to pick partners who are similarly secure and comfortable with the idea of being independent. They feel confident with intimacy and know how to repair it when conflict occurs. They are less likely to feel jealous, controlling, or anxious about their partner’s past.

Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment

People with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style tend to be dependent on their partners and sometimes have trouble letting go. When sad, they will often try to win love and sympathy from their partner by being especially clingy. When happy, they might let go too easily, for example by neglecting their partner’s needs. Anxious-ambivalent people may be very jealous of their partners’ past, and worry that they might want to leave them. They might also worry that they won’t be able to keep their partner interested and be too possessive and controlling. They may use words like “we” and “us” a lot when talking about relationships, and tend to be overly dependent on their partner for support. They might also feel that they have to prove they are good enough for their partner and won’t let them out of their sight.

Anxious-Avoidant Attachment

People with an anxious-avoidant style tend to be very independent and prefer not to be too intimate. They are likely to pick partners who are also anxious-avoidant, as well as people who are distant and detached. They might be concerned that getting too close to their partner will cause them to lose control, or might be jealous of their partner’s past. They might also worry that they are not good enough for their partner and feel ashamed of their neediness. Anxious-avoidants will often be critical of their partner and might want them to change. They might also try to control their partner and keep them at a distance. They are less likely to be remorseful after an argument, and it might be difficult for them to repair the relationship.

Disorganized Attachment

People with a disorganized attachment style tend to experience sudden swings in feelings and behavior when their partner is delayed. They might experience a desperate longing for their partner, or be controlling and jealous; they might also have sudden feelings of anger and aggression toward them. They might also have trouble remembering important facts about their partner, such as their name or birthday.

Which style are you? And why does it matter?

An attachment style isn’t something you can change overnight, but you can start working on it today. The sooner you start, the easier it will be. Each attachment style has its advantages and disadvantages, but the advantages of each style are usually the opposite of their disadvantages. For example, anxious-ambivalent people are often very understanding and sympathetic, but they can also be too clingy and demanding. Anxious-avoidants on the other hand, tend to be too distant and detached, and don’t know how to resolve conflicts.

How to change your attachment style

The most important step in changing your attachment style is to recognize it. Once you know what your attachment style is, you can start to change it. First of all, you should remember that attachment styles are something we are born with, so it is not your fault that you have a particular attachment style. Next, you should try to be more aware of the way you deal with relationship challenges. Are you overly clingy, critical, or distant? Pay attention to the way you respond to good or bad news in your relationships. The third step to rewiring your attachment style is to have the right expectations. Attachment styles are deeply rooted patterns of behaviour and are unlikely to change quickly or easily. If you are anxious-ambivalent, you might want to learn to be more independent, but you might also want your partner to be more available. If you are anxious-avoidant, you might want to let your partner in more and share your feelings, but you might also want them to give you a little more space.

Conclusion

If you want to have better relationships and feel less stressed in times of crisis, it is important to understand what your attachment style is and how it might be hurting you. Lastly, keep in mind that you can change your attachment style with work and effort - it just might take a while. Now that you have a better idea of what an attachment style is and how it can affect your relationships, you can start to recognize which attachment style you have and how it affects your relationships. That way, you can start to change your attachment style for the better, and have healthier and happier relationships.